If you only have thirty seconds, then know this: the headline for this review is “Bland food, slow service.” If you can stick around a little bit longer, here is the detailed breakdown.

Le Neptune was a place that friends of friends had recommended. Then it came up on Buyclub and we thought, hey! This is meant to be.  Or not…the first time we reserved the restaurant cancelled on us quite last minute. Is this a thing now? For restaurants to cancel your reservation after it was confirmed? Anyway. Since we’d already shelled out for the Buyclub deal we made another reservation two weeks later.

As the name declares, Le Neptune’s focus is seafood. They are very passionate about presenting “a living cuisine, balanced and close to nature, which is also creative, innovative and unconventional.” and their copywriter should get a raise. Even though I’m not sure I completely understand it, the philosophy sounds bang on. Unfortunately, that’ss where the positives ended.

We chose the 7 course tasting menu for CHF 99. There is also a 5 course tasting menu (CHF 79) and tiny a la carte menu (3 options for each course kinda thing). The wine list is really really really long, especially since there’s only 10 dishes or something on the food menu. There is an option to match if you opt for a tasting menu.

Where to begin? Pretty much everything lacked flavour and seasoning. Each dish followed the same formula: three elements composed of bland vegetables, bland seafood and a bland broth. The mussels were still gritty. The vegetables tended to be mushy. It was like baby food for adults because I could eat every dish with just a spoon. Some positives: we discovered that hazelnuts, asparagus and beetroot go really well together. The smoked salmon with endives and celeriac puree was quite tasty. But all the dishes were in the category of home cooking, not restaurant quality.

We said yes to a cheese course (CHF 15 extra) and the waitress put the plate down without even telling us what the cheeses were. That is not okay. Oh and I’m pretty sure we were charged CHF 14 for two bottles of tap water. I know I know, we’re in Geneva but that is a first. And I had a lightbulb moment: is it that Europeans eat bread but drink no water because the bread is free but water is not?

And the service. It was politely dull and slow. Took us almost 3 hours to get through the evening. We actually sighed with relief when the final course arrived.

The setting is cute enough. Lots of whites and pale wood, strange amateur art on the walls. The crockery was beautiful, outshining the food at almost every course. Some klepto tendencies emerged throughout the evening but alas our neighbours were never engrossed in conversation deep enough at opportune moments.

Maybe we just had a bad night. If you’ve got a Buyclub voucher, bon courage. We will not be going back anytime soon.